With Hope

I wrote this entry a couple weeks ago, reflecting back on the loss of Eloise's twin. God has granted mercy and grace during every step of this journey through this miscarriage. The only way I've been able to move forward with any hope at all is because of Him.

It was a busy morning making eggs for breakfast. When I cracked the last egg against the bowl, a double yolk slipped out. It caught me off guard. I just stood there, just staring at it for a long while. It's been hard to put that moment into words, but I feel oddly compelled to do so for the sake of my journey towards healing.

In February 2019 we lost Eloise's twin. At the time, knowing that one baby was alive, healthy, and on the way was a huge relief. I couldn't help but feel overjoyed because we were expecting after being told there would be no more babies. In a sense, a weight had been lifted knowing I wouldn't be navigating a Mo-Mo twin pregnancy. It wasn't until we moved to Thailand that I started feeling the sorrow of that loss. Waves or sorrow would come randomly as I watched friends from afar (online) enjoying life with their twins, who were born around the same time as Elle. I found myself sad and curious. Why didn't God allow me to keep both my babies?

This happened for a couple months until ... SURPRISE! Emelyn was on the way. From that moment on, there was no time for sorrow. There was morning sickness, homeschool, figuring out a new foreign home with new foreign doctors, a foreign birth plan, and a global pandemic. Loss was the furthest thing from my mind as we propelled toward becoming a family of 5.

... but it hit me again when I cracked that egg. It all just came flooding back. Seeing two heartbeats. The excitement on my husband's face, knowing he had always wanted twins. Always. We celebrated with Lebanese food. Then mere hours later, being told the severity of this pregnancy and all the risks involved. Uncertainty. Dreaming of both the beauty and chaos of how twins would change our lives forever. Coming up with a set of boy and girl names. Her name was Elizabeth Priscilla meaning "Ancient Promise of God". We would have nicknamed the twins "Lulu & Lizzy" (ironically, Evie started calling her sister "Lulu" without knowing this). Today I watch Eloise at 19 months old. What a remarkably wonderful little girl she is! How could I not want two of her?!

“And then, after your brief suffering, the God of all loving grace, who has called you to share in his eternal glory in Christ, will personally and powerfully restore you and make you stronger than ever. Yes, he will set you firmly in place and build you up.” 1 Peter 5:10 (TPT)

I may never understand why we didn't get to keep our Elizabeth, but had she survived, I'm certain there would not be an Emelyn. Given the dynamics of caring for twins and our age, we would have made sure of that. And how beautifully sweet life is with our Miss Emmie Mae! God knew we needed her. It's weird paradox knowing that had things gone differently, a child I love so dearly now would cease to exist. Though I don't understand, I move forward with hope. I trust my Jesus. His timing is always perfect in all things at all times. But for now, Jesus safely holds two of my sweet little loves in His arms until the day I can hold them.

"Now may God, the fountain of hope, fill you to overflowing with uncontainable joy and perfect peace as you trust in him. And may the power of the Holy Spirit continually surround your life with his super-abundance until you radiate with hope!" Romans 15:13 (TPT)

In my heaviest heartaches, You are there. When questions relentlessly taunt me, You hold me still. My thoughts and fears betray me, but You, O Lord, remain steadfast in Your love and Your grace and Your mercy. Help me to press into Your Word and Your Truth when life is merky and unkind. Thank you for OVERFLOWING HOPE and PERFECT PEACE to trust You in all things at all times. In Jesus' Name, Amen.