This is 40

I'm 40 now.

It’s strange and wonderful to be at this phase of my life. I always thought I would dread my forties. In my mind, it's always been connected to having a midlife crisis. This last month I am feeling overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude. The Lord has granted me so much grace and abundance my entire life. I'm just so thankful to be alive, to be seen, and to be loved by God. Entering my forties with that mentality breathes so much excitement and anticipation for the future. What an amazing gift to love the life I was given!

Celebrating 40!

To be honest, we weren't sure if we would be able to do anything to celebrate my birthday. With the pandemic still raging on our side of the world and constant changing restrictions, I didn't want to get my hopes up. We've missed out on so much over the last 19 months, I just didn't want to be disappointed. But my amazing husband pushed forward, determined to make it happen. He planned two nights away for us at ทะเลน้อย [Talay-Noi ], worked details with a friend to come stay with our girls, and away we went. Between babies and Covid, this was the first opportunity in 2 1/2 years for my husband and I to get away, refresh, and reset.

Talay-Noi is translated “little sea”. It's a wildlife reserve and the protected wetlands of Thailand. It's known for blooming lotus flowers, herds of wild water buffalo, and nearly 300 bird species. Peak season is January thru March, when the lotus flowers are in abundance and hundreds of thousands of migratory birds nest there. This experience is authentically Thai and not overrun with tourists. Above all, it was exceedingly peaceful and for a mama, who craves peace and quiet in a noisy house, this was the best gift my husband could give me.

Up and out the door by 5:00 AM, we made the drive to Talay-Noi and found someone to take us out on the water. For 2 hours we enjoyed the most breathtaking nature. The water was so still and the sound of birds filled the air. I was completely in love with the beauty of this place.

As we glided over the glassy waters of the wetlands, my heart grew increasingly thankful. I had forgotten the joy of being out in nature. Life has been heavy throughout the pandemic. Too many lockdowns without the ability to enjoy nature, but in that moment I tasted freedom. I soaked in every second of those 2 hours with the wind in my hair, sun on my skin, and the abundance of birds filling the air with exotic sounds.

Realities at 40!

Reflection and reevaluation has been my mode lately. I’m in a strange season of my life. Though I’m not a new mom, I am in uncharted territory. I’m not new to faith, but I’ve experienced a radical shift in my relationship with Jesus. These dynamics have affected various aspects of my life in very big ways.

1. Speaking my mind. I’ve always been a “don’t rock the boat” kind of girl. In many respects, I still abide by this, but on the other hand, I’ve found a new boldness to speak more freely. I don’t know that this is entirely the result of turning 40, but with two littles, I’ve shifted a lot. I have a lot of dreams and goals for the future, but I’ve realized that my success in achieving these goals only goes as far as I’m willing to articulate them. Stating clearly what I need and want, so that others can walk alongside me is a new found joy.

2. Accepting my season. Back-to-back pregnancies took a toll physically. Slap that on to another year of Covid lockdowns/ restrictions, navigating the realities of two under two, and I didn’t go in the direction I wanted at all. The last year was a blur, but the Lord has been so gracious to me as I fumbled forward. It's ok to be a mom and have a mom body right now. It's ok that my pace is not faster because my priorities have shifted. It's ok to set aside my unrealistic expectations and dig into the season I'm in now. So much freedom has been found in embracing all aspects of who I am at this point in time.

3. Embracing the silver strands. All the dye in my hair is officially gone. What's left is the beginning of life with gray. I knew I would stop dying my hair in Thailand because the ammonia content is so much higher in the hair dye products here. What I didn't expect was that I'd actually enjoy my natural hair color and the freedom that comes with letting go of my ideals of perfection. I recently read Proverbs 16:31: "Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life." Growing older isn't bad and turning gray is a grace that not everyone gets to experience. My silver strands have a story to tell and it's a good one!

4. Pursuing Jesus. Two under two threw me into survival mode. I was frustrated because things didn't look perfect, especially my time with God. Earlier this year I discovered Phylicia Masonheimer's blog, Every Woman A Theologian. It's been a life-changing space for me to learn how to grow deeper in my faith during these chaotic early years with our littles. I needed a fresh voice to speak God's life and beauty into my chaos. Don't we all? Since then, I have found that pursuing Jesus in spite of my messy days has granted such a deep richness in my relationship with God. I still have so much to learn, but my heart is overflowing with anticipation as I grow in faith and fear of the Lord.

40 and Fabulous!

There's newness on all fronts. That's not to say that there aren't hard things happening or that everything is perfect. But I'm learning what it means to truly rest in the Lord's will for my life and enjoy the comfort of His peace, knowing His plans are perfect. Forty isn't fabulous because of my accomplishments or strategies for tackling the future ... it's fabulous because I know Jesus is already paving a way for His grace, mercy, and love to flow through my life. Wherever and whatever He has in store for my 40's (and beyond) is going to be incredible. God is holy and worthy of all I am and all I will become. Here is to a new season of fabulous firsts with Jesus!

"The fear of the LORD leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied; he will not be visited by harm." Proverbs 19:23

Lord Jesus, thank you for preserving my life and allowing me to reach forty. Thank you for this chaotic season. Thank you for my gray hairs. Help me to embrace where I am today and trust You with my future. May every step forward be for Your glory alone. In Jesus' name, Amen.