The Beautiful Blur
- Niina
- Jan 6, 2021
- 9 min read
Updated: Nov 25, 2023
It’s hard to express what life’s been like since Emelyn Mae arrived. I’ve dubbed this season “The Beautiful Blur.” At 7 weeks postpartum, we still haven't found any sort of normalcy. Then again, nothing about life has been normal these last 15+ months since Eloise arrived. Jumping from a family of 3 to a family of 5 so quickly has both joys and challenges. Even though there's been a good amount of crazy, I love this season. I prayed for every ounce of it. This post is packed with details regarding my birth experience in Thailand, where I'm at as a mom, and the questions I ask myself in this new season. Let's get started!
PRIOR TO DELIVERY: Admittedly, I was pretty overwhelmed when we discovered this pregnancy while being tucked away in a foreign land in the throws of a global pandemic. No one dreams of that birth story. Still, I began to feel very strongly that God wanted us to deliver the baby in Hatyai. It is our home now and the place we've established our work. But with this came a unique set of challenges. I didn't know a single person who had actually delivered a baby in Hatyai. Though overall confident in the decision to stay, I certainly was nervous about the unknown. We also felt overwhelmed by the thought of uprooting our family to either Bangkok or Chiang Mai for the duration of delivery and recovery. As an expat, there are many things I cannot control in life, so any power we have to give our girls stability and consistency is our top priority.
Emelyn's due date was Thanksgiving Day (November 26, 2020). My Thai doctor told me I could choose any day for delivery between November 12-20, so I requested November 17. Not only would it put The Littles exactly 14 months apart, but it gave a little distance from the Thanksgiving holiday.
Since all the borders remain closed in Thailand, family could not get to us from Oregon. We needed a Plan B. Two dear friends volunteered to tag team and fly down for the first month of transition and recovery. I can't accurately express my gratitude for my friends' sacrifice to help carry our family through those disorienting weeks. They investing in our older girls, kept the house running, and encouraged me greatly. Then our Hatyai expat community volunteered to provide meals once we returned from the hospital. In April when we discovered Emelyn was on the way, we didn't know of an expat community in Hatyai. I remember asking God, Now what? Will we survive this pregnancy being so far from home? How faithful God is to provide above and beyond every need in every season!
BIRTH EXPERIENCE:
There were moments I desperately wished for the familiar ... to be back in Oregon with my American doctor. Some procedures and protocols leading up to the surgery were just so foreign and the lack of why was tough to swallow. I checked-in to the hospital the night before the C-section on November 16th, which was different because in America you only show up about 3 hours beforehand to prep for surgery. It felt like one of the longest nights of my life, super uncomfortable with nothing to distract me from the inevitable surgery.
On November 17th, I was up at 6 AM waiting eagerly and anxiously. I was scheduled for a 9 AM surgery, which meant they would get me at 8:30 AM. We'd also been told my husband wouldn't be able to come in for the procedure, but Kiel promised to make a last ditch effort to be next to me for Emelyn's delivery (which was ultimately denied).
Out of all the strange protocols, the most entaining of all was no nail polish! Prior to surgery, a nurse came in, pointed at my toes, and asked if it was gel polish. I told her it was normal polish. A few minutes later, a second nurse came in and asked the same thing. Then a third. Finally, two nurses entered with nail polish remover and without a word, proceeded to remove my toe nail polish. My husband and I just looked at each other, confused and trying hard not to laugh about the whole thing. Good thing the pedicure was already month old.
Kiel walked with me to the doors of the operating room and squeezed my hand tight. I knew he would do anything to be next to me if he could, and he knew I did not want to do this alone. Once they rolled me away, I was met by the anesthesiologist, who spoke great English. That was my saving grace. I had opted for a spinal, because I was familiar with the procedure from the two other C-sections. However, when it was time for the spinal, the anesthesiologist told me to lay on my side and grab my legs. I actually laughed out loud. Had he seen this belly? It was impossible. This led to a tiny Thai nurse awkwardly grabbing my shoulder and knees, holding my body together until the spinal was administered. Then everything started moving fast.
The nurses started prepping before the spinal had taken its full effect. I felt everything, which insued panic and my mind started racing. I immediately told the anesthesiologist this, but he didn't respond with any assurances. I was immediately nauseous and started dry-heaving. This prompted the anesthesiologist to place a plastic container next to my head in case I started vomiting. It felt like forever until the numbness kicked in and nausea subsided. At last my heart settled. I just remember praying until I heard Emelyn Mae's sweet little cries. She was born at 9:19 AM at 4.17 kg (9 lbs. 2 oz.) and 54 cm (21.5 inches), slightly smaller, but longer than big sister Eloise.
I caught my first glimpse of Emelyn as the nurses cleaned and examined her. I'd never actually seen the process before because I was always on the other side of the curtain, but this time the vitals station was set up right in front of my eyes. Once Emelyn was cleaned up, a nurse held her up to my face, so I could talk to and kiss her before they took her away to the nursery. That started the 4 hour countdown of waiting to hold my sweet baby. For months I'd prepared my heart for this reality. I tried not thinking about it as the doctors continued working, but nothing will ever prepare a mother for such a thing. It was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced.
Since I didn't have the joy of having my baby with me or the reassuring encouragements of my husband, the rest of the surgery drag on. It felt like they were rearranging my organs and uncomfortably putting pressure everywhere. Maybe that was always the case, but it never mattered when I had my baby close. I kept myself distracted by praying for Emelyn, that no harm would come to her while we were apart and that God would grant her protection. Prayer sustained me all the way until they rolled me into the recovery room. I wasn't expecting to see my husband for another hour, but he appear almost immediately, much to my relief. Kiel told me he also wasn't allowed to hold Emelyn because she had been put in an incubator for monitoring. Now we waited together.
REUNITED WITH BABY: I've never been more relieved than the moment they rolled Emelyn into my hospital room and she was finally in my arms. It was such a disorienting experience to be separated from my baby for so long after birth. In fact, the whole time I was in the hospital, I felt very disconnect from Emelyn because the nurses were constantly taking her for tests or baths or evaluations outside of our room. It was so different than my other two birth experiences. It felt like I was constantly reminding myself to settle my heart. Different country, different protocols.
The sister dynamics were a joy to watch unfold. My biggest concern leading up to Emelyn's arrival was Eloise. This was Ellie's first time away from Mom & Dad overnight, and being 14 months old, I had no ability to truly explain what was happening. However, my fears disappeared as I watched Eloise engage with her baby sister. In fact, she is still enthralled with Emelyn even 7+ weeks since her arrival. Every morning there are kisses, snuggles, and giggles when it is time to check on baby sister. It's like Eloise sees her sister with new eyes every morning. It completely melts my mom heart!
Evie was more excited to become a big sister this time around. There was lots of unknowns and uncertainties before Eloise came, but this time Evangeline is determined to be Emelyn's favorite person and spends elaborate time snuggling this little one. Evie has also taken to calling our new tribe The Sister Squad. I have a feeling these three are going to do incredible things in the world and have a unique sisterhood like no other. I'm so blessed that God chose me to be their mom.
MOTHERHOOD WONDERINGS:
Though I am not new to motherhood, but everything feels new in this season. My daughters are in three very different stages of life and I have found myself overwhelmed as I shift in and out of various "mom modes". Evie takes up all my brain power with homeschool and preteen conversations. This is the stage she needs her mom for guidance as she enters puberty, crushes, and those awkward teenage years. Then there's Ellie, my rambunctious firecracker, who is non-stop action from the time she wakes up to the time she goes to sleep. She's in full toddler mode and takes up all my physical energy. Of course, newborn Emmie takes all my time with sporadic sleep patterns and hanger pains. Though she is the most chill of the three, she still needs all the comfort and security of mama's arms.
I'm also working to more intentionally bond with Emelyn. The disconnect from the first week in the hospital has lingered. I can't say for sure it's postpartum depression, but it's something I am acutely aware of because it is so different from my other pregnancies. There has been no postpartum care or check-in like I had in America. Perhaps it's because there are three girls now and I jump between so many "mom modes," but I just haven't felt as connected with Emelyn as I did when the other two were born. Or maybe I'm 39 and my body is simply too exhausted from the back-to-back pregnancies and needs the time to recover fully. After all, I'm only getting around 6 hours of "sleepless" sleep from having a newborn in the house again. Regardless, I am trying to be vigilant for my health, my marriage, and my family.
God keeps reminding me that it's ok to feel overwhelmed, tired, and spread thin. He knows I'm a sleep deprived mama with very little energy, just trying to do the best I can to bring health and wholeness to our family. This week, God continues to speak Matthew 11:28-30 to encourage my heart:
"Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden? Then come to me. I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis. Simply join your life with mine. Learn my ways and you'll discover that I'm gentle, humble, easy to please. You will find refreshment and rest in me. For all that I require of you will be pleasant and easy to bear." Matthew 11:29-30 (TPT)
I love the thought of Jesus being our oasis, our place of refreshing, relief, and refuge. Every season holds a certain level of hardship and chaos. The moment we run to Jesus, handing Him our burdens and weariness, He gives rest. He gives peace. He gives joy. He wants to lighten our load.
Will I allow Jesus to carry and refresh my soul during the chaos of this beautiful blur?
Will I allow Him to lead me in determining not only what is a "Yes!", but more importantly what is a "No!" for this season of life to remain both healthy and sane for myself, my marriage, and my children?
Will I allow myself a guilt-free existence when my "No!" means disappointing others?
I remember a few years ago when a counselor told me that Jesus doesn't expect us to live life the same in different seasons. I cannot compare my season of living single in Thailand to living married with three daughters. God does not place unrealistic expectations on His children. Every season holds a new set of challenges, but also abundant joy ... that is, if I don't try to burn the candle at both ends.
For many of us, 2020 was a reset. A time to reflect, evaluate, and adjust accordingly. We did hard things, survived, and thrived. We may not yet be on the other side of COVID-19, but it doesn't mean we can't start 2021 with fresh eyes, renewed spirits, and joyful hearts. God is still in control. He still has a plan. He has not forgotten His promises. Allow Him to fill you with peace and confidence to carry on regardless of the challenges and mountains you face.
"Confidence and strength flood the hearts of the lovers of God who live in awe of him, and their devotion provides their children with a place of shelter and security." Proverbs 14:26 (TPT)
Lord Jesus, thank you for helping me survive this pregnancy and delivery. You showed up in my loneliest and most isolated moments. You gave me courage when my heart felt fearful and You gave me strength in all my many weaknesses. I know there is much to navigate in the days ahead. Give me wisdom and discernment to follow Your leading in every day life. May I always be amazed by what You have done to sustain me in the thick of this beautiful blur. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
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