PARENTING | Expat Eyes
- Niina
- Mar 18, 2023
- 8 min read
Updated: 2 days ago
In January I planned to be more strategic with my blog posts. I preemptively looked at my calendar and penned a couple themes I wanted to share about my expat life. But when the rats came calling, the entire month was thrown off kilter. All my blog themes are still looking at me on my "To Do" list, but I decided to carry it on in sharing a few unique aspects of our expat life. The first topic on my list was parenting. Parenting looks so different when you're away from your home culture and extended family structure, especially when your spouse is away for any length of time. So many unique parenting moments came to light lately, so let’s dive in!
Here's a few reflections on life as an expat mom ...
1. I constantly evaluate what events I am able to attend and whether or not it is possible to take my girls. When Kiel and I sit down with our calendar, we go over all the events for the week/ month, and then determine the best course of action for our family. There's a series of questions we go through before we make a decision...
Does my presence serve an essential purpose/ role?
What language will be spoken?
Will my littles be a distraction from the goal of the event?
Can I handle having divided interests in said setting?
Can I bilingually function if my girls are present?
Based on the answers, we decide the best course of action. If we lived in our home culture, we would be close to family, and babysitting is readily available for most situations. Childcare overseas is much more complex, especially when children are not yet effective communicators. It's a difficult dance, and often times, I have to release both my expectations and the perceived expectations of others in order to facilitate both safety and sanity.
2. When my husband is away on a trip, I shift into "single" parent mode. Living overseas makes me appreciate single parents so much more than I ever did living in my home culture. My grandmother was a single mom, who worked full-time and raise five kids. I often think of her during my stints of single parenting. There is no backup. There is no relief. The days are long. The nights feel longer. I've learned there are a few lifeline tricks to keep my sanity and feel productive while my husband is away ...
Prep coffee pot & washing machine, so I can just press start on both when I come downstairs each morning.
At the end of the day, once the littles are sleeping, tidy the living room and make sure the table is cleared & ready for breakfast the next day.
Grace, grace, G R A C E !
3. A couple years ago after Emelyn was born, I realized that I was drowning in noise. My ideal quiet time was anything but quiet. I tried all sorts of ways to make circumstances ideal, but it didn't matter how early I woke up or how late I stayed up, my girls had a radar. Then I read a post by Phylicia Masonheimer about pursuing God in spite of your chaos and noise. The truth is, it doesn't matter if nothing looks ideal - passion and pursuit for God's presence is all that matters and that really resonated with me. Even if I have to pause my devos a hundred times each morning to meet the needs of my girls, I keep chipping away and carving out that time with Jesus. And you know what? He meets me in the chaos every morning. Christ is there, dwelling with me, assuring me that His presence is there, amidst my noisy toddlers and talkative teen. Often times, I find myself pausing, in awe that even though these days are filled with too much crazy for my introverted soul, Jesus has never been more alive. He honors my feeble ambitions to push past the noise and pursue His presence. The true miracle of this shift? I hear Him more clearly now than I ever have before.
4. When I'm "single" parenting, I try to make life a little more fun for our girls. Just because dad's away doesn't mean the fun ends. The girls' favorite outing is heading into town for lunch at McDonald's. I typically do the drive thru and first, we eat together in the car, which eliminates chasing toddlers in a restaurant by myself. After we eat, we head into Lotus's (the Walmart of Thailand) to play arcade games. After mom has run out of 10 baht coins, we head for ice cream at DQ before grocery shopping. The great thing I love about DQ in Thailand is how cheap it is and how small the portions are, which is perfect for kids. For example, a small vanilla cone dipped in chocolate is 15 baht ($0.44 USD). Sure, we don't have the vast amount of options that the American Dairy Queen promotes, but we've come to enjoy the most ordinary and simple delights.
5. Whenever Kiel's away and his FaceTime comes up as unavailable, I send him a screenshot. Not sure why I started doing this, but it's my thing now. We always try to touch base with dad in the morning once the girls wake up, and at night before they go to bed. The fact that we existed in lockdown mode for literally YEARS means that our littles have struggled with the transition back to "normal" life. It's only been since last May that life started opening up again for us in Hatyai, so when dad's gone, the girls really miss him. I feel a very real tension juggling our way out of Covid life. Grace, grace, grace, I continue to speak over myself and my family. It's become the theme of our lives as we learn how to parent our girls toward our impending return to America. There will be LOTS of shocking things when we step back into our home culture in a post-Covid world.
6. The top challenge for expat parents is deciding the best education route for their children. For quite some time, we planned to put Evie into international school, but when I was pregnant with Ellie, God removed the peace of that decision. At the time, I couldn't explain it, but I knew something wasn't right. I also remember the peace we felt after discovering Laurel Springs Online School. We had no idea the world would lockdown 2 months after moving to Hatyai, but God did and He spared us. I can't even express how often we paused to praise God for removing our peace and changing our direction. He kept Evie's education stable throughout the pandemic, the surprise of Emelyn, and figuring out life as a family of 5.
This season of homeschool came with lots of challenges, but this year we are seeing beautiful growth in maturity and personal responsibility. This is also a grace, as my focus shifted to closing up our Hatyai home for a year. We are also noticing God shifting us again back toward international school when we return in 2024. We took a trip to visit the international school a month ago to see if it would work for our girls, as it's a British international school. Evie loved it and once again, peace flowed, so we are moving in that direction. Crazy to think that Evie will wrap up her high school career here. Of course, Covid has trained us to hold all plans loosely, so we make our plans and allow God to change the course as He desires.
7. Like any family, our kids have tantrums and meltdowns, though I must say that Emelyn is the champ. I felt like I understood both Evie and Ellie, but when Em came along, she clearly has her own way of doing things. Part of it is that she's the youngest and I know she makes the loudest noise to be heard. Also, she has a singular focus with hardcore determination. If Em has it in her mind to do something, she will do it. It doesn't matter how many times I try to distract her or convince her otherwise, she will not let anyone derail her. I know this will be such a strength and steadfast in her life. But parenting such fire is, quite frankly, exhausting. But I adore my Emelyn Mae! Seasons change, and I'm really looking forward to being able to fully understand this little lady, who is sweet and fiery and full of resolve. All my girls are world changers in their own right, but I'm convinced that this one will turn the world on its head.
8. Ellie is at the really fun stage of being able to go adventuring one-on-one. This is something we did with Evie all the time when she was little, but it's been a huge challenge to facilitate living on the other side of the ocean. Kiel and I have to split our time for nearly all activities, and when there's no back-up, things like this slip through the cracks. But we are trying to figure out how we can build routine and create special blocks of time to make sure each of our girls have individual time with each parent. And as I've mentioned twice before, we speak grace, grace, grace over our feeble attempts and allow God to create beauty.
9. Sleep has been tricky the last few years. Even before the littles joined our family, I struggled for good sleep and spent a lot of years building rhythms to facilitate optimal nightly rest. Needless to say, that all went out the window now that both littles have midnight wanderings. Seasons don't last forever, but this one does feel endless. Having two little monkeys swiveling around our bed has stolen lots of sleep and we know it's only by God's grace that we are functional on a semi-normal basis. One day it will not be so. One day we will look back on this season and thank the Lord for helping us get through every sleepless night. Until then, we carry on and pray for mercy, grace, peace, and rest that satisfies, because we know the Lord will faithfully sustain us in our lack.
10. The other day, in the midst of packing, sorting, and noisy chaos, I noticed the sky was a gorgeous gold. I was instantly captivated. Our Hatyai home has been a haven while weather the pandemic and learning how to be a family of 5. But more often than not, I forget to pause and enjoy the everyday delights like sunrises and sunsets. Sunsets, in particular, remind me of summer nights in Oregon with my grandmother. One of my earliest memories with her was pausing to watch a sunset. That night she took a deep breath and stated, "Doesn't God paint the prettiest sunsets!" Instantly I had a picture in my mind of God looking down at His creation with His giant paintbrush in hand, contemplating His next brush stroke: "Hmmm, perhaps a little more gold?" He might say, "No, no ... purple and orange will do for tonight." So this day, I walked outside with my cup of tea and watched the sun dip beyond the horizon, changing the entire landscape of the sky. I need to pause more to enjoy the beauty of God's creation, especially when I'm feeling overwhelmed by my calendar and lists. Sometimes I am so focused on the daily tasks and "to do's" that I forget to look up and be in awe of who God is. I love being a mom, but truly nothing beats being a daughter of the King!
“You answer us with awesome and righteous deeds, God our Savior, the hope of all the ends of the earth and of the farthest seas, who formed the mountains by your power, having armed yourself with strength, who stilled the roaring of the seas, the roaring of their waves, and the turmoil of the nations. The whole earth is filled with awe at your wonders; where morning dawns, where evening fades, you call forth songs of joy.” - Psalms 65:5-8 (NIV)
Father, thank you for the gift of being a mother. I am learning to understand Your love for us by loving my own children. You are the ultimate parent, my true source of strength, wisdom, and discernment in motherhood. Help me rely on You in all I do. Help me to continue on this path, to speak truth in love, and slow down to enjoy my little ladies. May I never take this role for granted. In Jesus' name, Amen.
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