LOVE | Expat Eyes

In the chaos of our international move, I didn't have time to write the last couple Expat Eyes topics I wanted to explore before returning to Oregon. As I process the last 4 years in Hatyai, it's been really helpful to write out these topics and give a voice to the more mundane, every day aspects of my expat life. Perhaps these reflections will encourage you in whatever season you find yourself in.

For the 10 years prior to life with littles, I felt like my husband and I had established solid life rhythms. We knew what worked for us, how to communicate best, and how to create time together. Then, BAM! Two surprise babies, 14 months apart. Maintaining relationships in any culture has challenges, but in a cross-cultural context with a global pandemic created factors and hinderances beyond our control. What had been established could not be sustained. Today I reflect on the joys and challenges we have faced in this particular season, especially in light of our 15 years wedding anniversary back in June. I've found myself grateful for every little opportunity to cultivate deeper love for each other, which is truly a gift from God. What does it look like to love and be loved by your spouse overseas?

Here are a few snapshots of life with My Love ...

Songkhla's famous Golden Mermaid statue

1. Traditional dates have been few and far between. I can count on one hand the number of "real" dates we've gone on in the last 4 years, which admittedly feels sad to say. Part of this was the fact that we didn't know anyone when we moved to Hatyai. It took a while to build relationships, especially while navigating three lockdowns (each lasted months). Fascilitating friendships was really hard those first few years. The other factor was the two and under. When you don't live close to family, it's downright exhausting to be on all the time without any help. About 9 months into our year of two under 2, God gave me the biggest grace and relief ever by bringing a young lady (another third culture kid navigating her gap year after high school) to watch our girls twice a week for about 7 months. She was a God-send! During that time, it was a blessing just to have uninterrupted time to work, clean, and buy groceries. We made the most of every opportunity given to us, even if it was just doing a simple grocery run together. Sometimes our most memorable moments were created in the every day ordinary rhythms of life.

Dinner date with a pretty view!

2. We unintentionally forget holidays. This includes Valentine's Day and American Mother's & Father's Days. More often than not, we don't realize Western holidays are taking place unless we are in the city to see a display at the mall or notice a slew of social media posts pop up the day after because we are 14 or 15 hours ahead of Pacific Standard Time (depending on Daylight Savings). Being caught between two worlds means things that were normal for us growing up inevitably gets missed and new normals are established. We have had to work together to establish the most important holidays for our family in order to celebrate and embrace the unique world we live in. Perhaps that looks like jumping into the car after seeing a social media post to enjoy a favorite coffee shop before the day gets going or plan an impromptu special dinner or dessert for the evening. We have had to hold our celebrations and expectations loosely, which is honestly hard for me. Flexibility, forgiveness, and grace is required as we release our expectations in order to focus on the most important aspect of these celebrations.

3. Some seasons are harder than others, and admittedly, this has been a more challenging one. When I imagined living in Hatyai, I did not envision a global pandemic with two under two. I never envisioned this phase of motherhood I'm in, playing referee between an emotional teenager and two rambunctious toddlers. No one volunteers to simultaneously navigate potty training, preschool, PMS, and periods all at the same time. But here we are. It's the little things that mattered the most in this season. The quiet evening conversations, the little delights, thoughtful jesters, morning coffee, and created spaces to breathe together. Admittedly, this is not the most "romantic" time of our lives, BUT God is teaching us so much more about His unfailing and steadfast love. It is with this lens that He is teaching us to love each other deeply and sacrificially like never before.

4. In between lockdowns and babies, we realized we needed to get creative to ensure we had time together. Sometimes after we put the littles to bed, we would sent our oldest to her room to enjoy some time writing or reading, so we could have a movie night or quiet dinner together. Writing notes or letters became more common. Early morning coffee before the littles got up was a haven. Sharing what God spoke through His Word to us each morning was life-giving. It forced us to slow down and knit our hearts together in very intentional ways. It wasn't revolutionary, but it brought immense value and depth to our relationship. It is a beautiful thing to have a front row seat in another person's life ... to watch God's redemption and refinement unfold in unique and beautiful ways. To watch Him use each other to speak life and perspective in ways we had never noticed before. There is a reason the theme of marriage is used when Jesus talks about His relationships with His people. It's so amazingly beautiful and intricate. We certainly are not the people we were 15 years ago, and that's a good thing. We have discovered that God continually uses our marriage to understand and experience His goodness in ways we never would have known otherwise. It has brought humility, vulnerability, transparency, mutual submission, and greater love for Christ. These things are by no means easy, but we continue journeying together, striving toward the end goal of eternity with our Maker.

5. God has been cultivating a spirit of apology and forgiveness, acknowledgment and empathy in our hearts. We are learning that these things are so vital for a successful marriage. Apologizing when you've been wrong is so humbling. Both extending and receiving forgiveness. Acknowledging the realities of each other's circumstances. Have compassion for the other person's plight. We are all sinful, selfish people. Not one of us is perfect. We will fail and we will fail others. BUT when we allow the Holy Spirit to cultivate humility in our hearts, He empowers us to forgive and empathize with others. It's not just something we strive for in our marriage, but a culture we are trying to cultivate in our family. There is nothing more humbling than going to your child to admit wrongdoing and ask for forgiveness, but our family is seeing good fruit and flourishing in ways we never expected.

6. We choose to give love and we choose to receive love from each other every single day. We choose to cultivate what we have in order to thrive together. Our yard can be just as green and lush as someone else's yard. Love is a choice. Some days it's very easy to make that decision. Some days it's much harder. And that's okay to admit because there really is nothing easy about love. Jesus' love for us is sacrificial. It cost His life. That is a humbling realization, and a question that should be asked: Am I willing to pay the price for genuine, sacrificial love? Will I allow my feelings (which are constantly changing) to determine the course of my life and satisfy my own desires and ambitions? Or am I willing to extend love sacrificially? To my husband? To my daughters? To my neighbors? We all have that choice to make and truthfully, I think the only way one can love sacrificially is if we allow God, who IS love, to truly love us. Will we allow His Spirit to cultivate love in us? He is the only One who can empower and reveal what genuine love truly means.

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:14-19

7. No season lasts forever. We remind ourselves of this often, because we're human and sometimes we forget. It's easy to focus on the things we don't have and forget that we prayed for YEARS to live in the chaos of today. Each one of our girls is a miracle that God has placed in our lives to bring joy, delight, and refine us into His image. God's perfect timing ensures that every moment of today is an essential part of His plan for tomorrow.

Thank you Jesus for Your good gifts. You are the beautiful Author, Anchor, and Perfecter of our faith. Teach us to love like You love us. Teach us how to dwell in Your presence and rest at Your feet humbly in order to learn what sacrificial love truly means. Help us to extend that to others and delight in Your good gift. Empower us to operate with empathy and see others the way You see them. We are loveless without Your Spirit showing us the way in which to love. Spur us on to extend grace and compassion to other, who desperately need to experience Your abundance of love and redemption. In Jesus' Name, Amen.