"I Hold The Keys"

Today on Easter Sunday, March 31, 2024, I want to testify of God's faithfulness and to encourage others to pursue the Lord's healing and restoration in their own lives.

Easter Morning Sunrise 2023

In the Summer of 2022, God started speaking to me about unresolved grief and how painful events and memories cloud the heart and mind. A fractured friendship that never found reconciliation. A deep emotional wound never allowed to heal. A burden too personal to entrust to God. A gaping hole from traumatic loss. We all wrestle with with various extents such grief as we strive forward in our faith journeys.

After Emelyn turned two and mom life felt less chaotic, God started addressing my unresolved grief from my miscarriages. I had carried this grief silently, rarely if ever speaking about it to others. Focus on the good, not the bad. Keep calm and carry on. But the reality is that if one cannot verbalize their own sorrow, neither can they heal. My first miscarriage was a couple months after we were married. Could that grief be dealt with after carrying it for 14+ years? Both miscarriages happened quite early in both pregnancies, so there was nothing tangible aside from painful memories. After much prayer, I felt like God asked us to move forward with a memorial for our lost babies. I remember asking my husband what day he thought we should do it and with complete certainty, he answered, "Easter Sunday!"

”When I saw him [Jesus], I fell at his feet like a dead man. He laid his right hand on me and said, “Don’t be afraid. I am the First and the Last, and the Living One. I was dead, but look — I am alive forever and ever, and I hold the keys of death and Hades.“ ‭‭Revelation‬ ‭1‬:‭17‬-‭18‬

Easter. The day Jesus vanquished the enemy of our souls and took the keys of hell and death. Though my babies never took a breath, death did not have the final say over their lives. Could there be a more perfect day to remember them?! So we began planning every detail imaginable for what this day would look like. We wrote letters, created memorial candles, and made reservations at the most peaceful place we knew in the Songkhla province. We had only visited twice, but both times were when we desperately needed to hear from the Lord and He met us there. I remember feeling heavy & somber, both before bed and as we woke up at 5AM to walk to the beach. Every detail was prepared, but neither of us knew what to expect. It felt scary to uncover our grief. In the darkness we dug a pit to keep the wind from blowing out our tiny lights. It felt symbolic. Then we waited for the sun to appear. We waiting for what felt like forever for the red sun to appear beyond the horizon a farmers walked their cows up and down the beach. It

When the red sun appeared, we opened the letters, reading them aloud, crying together, saying our "see you soon's" and declared our trust for the Lord, the Author of life itself. In spite of our messy, complicated grief, our sweet babies only know God's glory and majesty. Death has no power over them. It holds no power over us. So we rejoiced that we no longer had needed to be controlled by fear, and could trust the One who hold the keys.

As the sun started rising into a brilliant array of light, so could we feel the lifting of weight we had never been able to lift ourselves. As we watched the splendor of that Easter sunrise and our girls delights as they danced across the seashore, the freedom became more and more tangible. Joy and delights started flooding our hearts in ways we did not expect. We felt lighters than we'd ever felt and God's peace rested over us.

"The Spirit of the Lord God is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and freedom to the prisoners; to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor, and the day of our God’s vengeance; to comfort all who mourn, to provide for those who mourn in Zion; to give them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, festive oil instead of mourning, and splendid clothes instead of despair. And they will be called righteous trees, planted by the Lord to glorify him." Isaiah 61:1-3

We experience these words of Isaiah's prophesy regarding Jesus in such a beautiful way on that day. He healed us. He set us free. He comforted and provided a way for our grief to be fully expressed and released to His hands in a way we can never explain. He took our ashes and beautifully transformed our minds. We truly experienced the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13).

Thank you Jesus for our beautiful girlies!

It's been a year now since that Easter sunrise service and the sting has not returned. In fact, even more healing took place in the coming months. I tried to heal on my own for a lot of years, but it wasn't until I entrusted the One with the keys that I could truly fear not.

Everyone must walk their own healing journey. My unresolved grief is not the same as yours, but I do know that the same Jesus that lifted my burden is strong enough to lift yours.

King Jesus, You are alive! You are the beginning and the end - the living One, who came back to life after death. Thank you that we never again have to fear death and hell. We can rest in Your victory and trust Your great faithfulness. For my friends who find themselves crushed by grief, I pray you show them the next steps of healing in their lives. Renew them with Your Holy Spirit and flood their minds with Your life-giving Word. Comfort and give peace in both the grieving and healing process. Teach us how to walk in Your Spirit with confidence, to run to You in with our burdens, and release them when You ask us to release them. May we truly know and experience what it's like to trade in our ashes for Your beauty. In Jesus' name, Amen.